Personal diary entry after the war

[Doitsu]

This is a diary entry from my grandfather, the date of it is not readable but it was certainly after the second world war has ended as you can also make out of the diary entry itself.
Sadly I don't have a picture of the original entry [which is in german] yet because my cable for transfering stuff between my phone and computer is missing but I will post it as soon as I can.

Here is the translation:
"I respected and admired my father, who was a soldier.
But after he left for the front lines to Russia, he went missing, and then the war ended.
All three of my older brothers were killed in action. My mother and I tried to live on our own.
Nine years later...he suddenly came back. I can remember it very well. He was standing in between the front door, leaning on the wall - looking down at the ground.
My father had been held in Siberia for nine years and he had changed completely when he returned.
He didn't work. He drowned himself in alcohole every day. His old self had disappeared.
I couldn't bear to see him like that, so I tried to be busy every day until nightfall.
On a rainy evening I then met him on the street. He was just a little bit drunk, not as much as usually.
I can't remember why but I was very mad at him this day.
We had an argument, I don't know about what but he pushed me twice while we had our dispute.
I pushed him back and said "Why...did you come back? To show me how pathetic you are?! You are hopeless!"

I saw the shock in his face. A few second there was complete silence.
He looked at me and with tearful eyes he said:
"Wilhelm...How old are you now? You have grown so fast. Take care of your mother."
He then walked down the road into the dark. The next morning they found him dead.

Now that I think about it, his guilt at surviving the war when his three sons had died... ultimately changed him.
There was no work after the war, and he couldn't blend into the new society.

I am sad that while he was suffering, I said the worst possible thing to him...I think it is also my fault that he killed himself.
It is painful. I love you father."


I somewhat feeled the need to share it. I have a lot of diarys and pictures from family members before, during and after the war.
The emotions I had while looking at all these pictures and reading threw the diarys of several family members is just...very astoundingly beautiful but very depressing at the same time.
I am looking forward to share more with you guys.

PS: I hope i posted this into the right section, since I didn't find a diary board/topic.

[Annelie]

Very sad story.

In those days after WWII PTSD was not known about. Your Father had all the signs
and its sad that there was no help in those days. The Veterans had to console and
fight for their sanity all on their own. Can't imagine losing three sons then being
in Russian POW those years and coming home and not being effected.

My interest has always been on people and how they coped and what happened
to them and hopefully how they survived. Thankyou for sharing.